FunnyBio.com's Blog

Unexpected Valentines: 14 New Ways to Show You Care

By Julie Blair Riekse

It is understandable why so many people think of Valentine’s Day as a throwaway holiday. Unlike Christmas or Thanksgiving, there isn’t obvious historical significance—just the blurred sentiment articulated by grocers and gift shop owners that we should celebrate love. Not only should we send a valentine to those we admire (average cost: $4.99), but we should consider presenting them a wrapped box of chocolate covered in pink and red bows. If we want to show them we really care, we can add flowers.

Sure, this is exciting stuff if you’re a preschooler or a ninth grade girl. After all, at those ages, glitter and doilies are really, really important. But for the rest of us, well, it all seems a little silly.

Then again, maybe we should rethink it.

Is it really all that ridiculous to show our love and appreciation for others? Of course not. In fact, it is a wonderful sentiment to set aside a day to honor the special people in our lives. Moreover, the holiday lands at the perfect time: Mid-winter is dark and cold; spring break is far, far away.

In other words, we all need a little glitter come February 14.

The problem is that Valentine’s Day has become pat. But it doesn’t have to be. We’ve come up with fourteen unexpected ways to make your husband, girlfriend or kids feel cherished. Best of all, most of these gifts cost less than a bottle of wine.

·        Do your husband’s most disliked chore for a whole week. Walk the dog at 6 a.m., clean the fridge, iron five work shirts, take out the trash.

·        Detail your teenager’s car. Scrub the dashboard, vacuum the floor mats, place shiny quarters in the consol for tolls.

·        Reserve a pile of books on a favorite hobby for a friend at the library—then pick up and deliver the materials.

·        In lieu of a movie, read a short story out loud to your wife or listen to a book on tape together.

·        Bring your child’s teacher a hot latte during recess.

·        Bake homemade dog biscuits for your pup.

·        Record the details of your courtship into a handheld tape recorder. Then, interview one another about the highs and lows in your relationship, discuss memorable moments, make predictions about the future.

·        Plant early-blooming flower bulbs in your sister’s empty flower boxes without her knowing it.

·        Give a colleague a good idea—and let her take the credit.

·        Use a heart-shaped cookie cutter to slice your son’s PB&J.

·        Copy five favorite recipes and send them to your mother.

·        Volunteer to babysit your friend’s children one morning and have them make old-fashioned valentines with crepe paper.

·        Telephone a former mentor and tell him exactly how he helped you.

·        Eliminate your spouse’s pet peeve for a week. Take the time put the Diet Coke cans in the recycling bin, refold the newspaper after you’ve read it, turn off the lights when you leave the room.

Valentine’s Day should be a time to tell those who’ve made our lives richer that they’ve done so. Whether you package your tokens of affection to them in traditional pink and red ribbon is up to you.

Freelance writer Julie Blair Riekse will spend Valentine’s Day with her three-year-old twins and husband at their home in Dallas, Texas. She will wear pink while recycling her Diet Coke cans.

Brought to you by FunnyBio.com 

Making Use of the Ugly Ducklings: Repurposing Presents that Bomb

My husband does not have a snarky bone in his body, yet when he opened his fifth biography profiling the life of yet another presidential wanna-be I knew he was stifling a comment or two.

            “You’re still collecting them, right?” my mother asked him hopefully, the Christmas tree twinkling behind her.

            I know exactly how she arrived at this misperception: Jim is known as a political junkie and avid book collector. Our shelves are packed with weighty tomes about Harry S Truman, Henry Kissinger and Napoleon—successful politicians who shaped the times they lived in.

            That said, self-published autobiographies penned by fringe pols have no place in my husband’s thoughtfully tended garden of literature.

            Still, Jim smiled when my father snapped a photo of him cradling Steve Forbes’ latest work.

            It was, after all, Christmas.

            Gifts bomb. It happens. But what do you do with them once you’ve received them? It seems mean-spirited to put them in the trash when a loved one or good friend has spent time, energy and money carefully choosing them for you. Yet, do you really want to keep that tie-dyed teakettle cover on your countertop out of sentimentality for your 9-year-old niece? How about the putter that cracks jokes when you tap the golf ball? And what to do with those five-toed socks?

            The best option is to repurpose the duds. And no, you don’t have to be familiar with a nail gun (or glue gun) to do it. The key is to look at the gift from a different perspective: Turn your item upside down and inside out, throw a cover over it, add something to it or subtract something else.

            We’ve got a few ideas for you.

            Utilizing Generic Presents

            Everyone loves a box of holiday chocolates, except when you’ve spent the past four weeks eating cookies, pies and cakes. If even the mere thought of more sugar makes you pop a button, fold the goodies into chocolate fondue and serve the dish at your annual New Year’s Eve party with fruit. You say you have an assortment of Godivas in nine different flavors? Simply cook up mini-pots of fondue and have guests perform a taste test. If you absolutely cannot stand the thought, freeze and use in the summer as sundae sauce over ice cream.

            Gift cards seem like a foolproof choice for everyone from teachers to bosses. But if you aren’t into retiling your bathtub, the $50 from Home Depot will languish in your wallet. Instead, help out a charity by donating it to Habitat for Humanity. Or, place it in a silent auction at your child’s school. You could even make it a door prize at the aforementioned Fondue Party.

            Calendars are an impulse buy for many consumers waiting in long holiday checkout lines but they often go unused by recipients in this age of PDAs. That said, they can become a family keepsake when you utilize them to jot down milestones rather than the mundane. Hang a calendar in your family’s entryway and record the day that Baby first tried oatmeal, your toddler’s cute saying or Junior’s first homerun. You’ll be keeping a journal of your family’s life without spending time parsing sentences.

            Creative Takes on the Aficionado’s Castoffs

            People who love to cook appreciate families—families who figure they can’t go wrong putting a lemon squeezer or garlic press in Julia Child’s stocking. Of course, any real chef will already have these kitchen gadgets—probably the $300 gourmet versions. Still, you can make use of the extras. Bring the holidays into your kitchen by erecting a small Christmas tree on your countertop and dressing it up with silver whisks, measuring spoons and melon ballers. No room for a tree in your RV? Mount a green wreath above the oven and embellish it with lace ribbons woven through brass cookie cutters for a festive display.

            As I mentioned, we’ve received our fair share of boring books over the past decade, which I recycle to decorate the house. Lend interest to your buffet by stacking novels on top of one another then draping a tablecloth over them. Thus you’ve created the perfect platform for otherwise unseen treasures. If the books have beautiful spines, I leave them naked and load them up with candles or live plants in the living room.

            Maybe you’re a vinophile who won’t touch a wine that hasn’t been lovingly enshrined in a temperature-regulated vault. Or, perhaps you’re a tea-toteler whose favorite spirit comes cold in a red and white aluminum can. The solution to reusing gifted wine is to cook with it. Try a hearty pot roast, throw a few splashes into the minestrone or use that Shiraz to make a tasty sauce. Even some easy-to-make salad dressings require wine. (http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/105971)

            Adding Flare to Traditional Gifts

            Most men I know don’t really enjoy wearing neckties to work, yet such accessories have become a staple of holiday gift giving. If you find that your collection rivals that of a department store, search the Yellow Pages for a professional quilter. Such hobbyists may be able to recycle the patterned material and turn the swatches into an heirloom piece you’d actually display. Imagine how thrilled Aunt Tootsie would be to see her gift become cherished artwork.

            Toys that blare music when touched are great fun—for about 72 hours. Then, parental nerves are tested. If you’re lucky, your children will eventually tire of such treasures and when they do, you can spirit them away to the local hospital where auditory screening takes place. Noisy playthings—in combination with more sophisticated equipment—can be used to stimulate babies and toddlers during hearing tests.

            Everyone loves holiday music, but most families only need so many versions of Rod Stewart crooning “Silent Night.” If you’re ready to part with your CDs, string them together with fishing wire to make sun catchers. Come spring, hang them above your stoop to deter messy birds from building nests above your welcome mat.

            Giving gifts to loved ones makes the holidays extra special—graciously receiving them take aplomb. Now when you tell Uncle Bert you’re thankful, you’ll actually mean it.

Julie Blair Riekse is a freelance writer who lives with her family outside of Dallas, Texas. She especially enjoys receiving unique photo gifts like those made by FunnyBit Studios.

Inflatable Yard Art: Behold the Beauty

It is 6:42 a.m. on a Saturday morning in mid-fall and my three-year-old son is out the door already. It is still dark. I am tired. Very tired.

“Mama, come on,” groans William, yanking at the strap of his bike helmet. “We have to see The Turkey. Bring the camera!” 

I look down at my threadbare pajamas then up at my hair, which is flat in some places and mountainous in others. I have not brushed my teeth; my body begs for a 96-ounce Diet Coke.

Still, I strap myself into my trench coat and jam my feet into my Crocs. I figure the only other people conscious at this hour are the parents of small children and they’ll look as bad—or worse—then me. Besides, we have yet to visit The Turkey bathed in moonlight.

We tootle down the driveway and around the block.

Then, suddenly, rising up like a Suburban phoenix is The Turkey: Behold, a seven-foot-tall inflatable decoration. It sports a black buckled pilgrim’s hat and a giant, red waddle. He is tethered to our neighbor’s lawn with six-foot-long cording; a fan the size of an SUV hums away merrily to support the big bird’s nylon girth.

We are small in his shadow.

“Ooh,” says William, glassy-eyed with awe. “Take a picture of me with The Turkey.”

I snap away. When we get home, we will download then add this photo to our bound album of inflatable yard art. The tome already includes pictures of The Turkey at mid-day and in the evening. The decoration looks different, you see, when framed by starlight rather than exposed in the harsh afternoon glare—much as Monet’s “Haystacks” change during the time of day in which they were painted.

Truly, we have become quite the connoisseurs: It seems we have photographs of every inflatable blow-up in the Southwest.

We have spent literally hours in the car circling neighborhoods in search of pumpkins, Santas, reindeers and, yes, turkeys. We are thrilled that our neighborhood includes one of the few purple Scooby Doos dressed in a witches’ costume—a throwback to the beginning era of IYA.

In fact, if you sit with William on your lap with his IYA book, he will serve as a docent to the genre, pointing out with chubby fingers the marks of distinction that make each piece unique. It seems cartoon-themed IYA ranks above standards like plain pumpkins; characters in costume are even more important; those with motorized vehicles attached are truly special.

And who am I to tell him what is beautiful?

Before having children, I was one of those snobbish grown-ups schooled at a liberal arts college to appreciate the Dutch Masters and cubism. Moreover, I’ve traveled to some of the world’s most acclaimed art museums to marvel at it in person. Certainly, I would have seen IYA as a cheesy, cheap crowd-pleaser sucking away electricity to the detriment of Planet Earth.

Now I know different.

I am a world-wizened mother who sees the beauty in the most unlikely places. I see it in mud pies. In properly Velcroed sneakers. In stick figures.

And yes, I see beauty in inflatable yard art.

Especially turkeys.

Julie Blair Riekse is a freelance writer living amongst IYA outside of Dallas, Texas. She will proudly stake a five-foot-tall penguin in her lawn this Christmas.

Brought to you by FunnyBio.com 

Top Ten Things NOT to Say to Your Superior on Boss’ Day (Oct. 16)

Whether you’re a veteran staff member or the new hire at your company, we here at FunnyBio think it would be simply uncouth to ignore Boss’ Day (which is October 16^th  if you don’t already have it on your calendar). After all, those who have the power to hire you can fire you. Be mindful, however. There are a bevy of things you should never, every say to your superior, no matter how crummy their Christmas bonus. They are as follows:

1. Your ex-wife/husband’s on Line 1.

2. This team building exercise is a great way to turn the company around.  There’s nothing like a trust fall to teach people how to perform basic accounting.

3. Human Resources just called about your secretary candidate.  Which felonies do you consider deal breakers?

4. I accidentally made you a reservation on a public golf course.

5. Your son’s on Line two.  Something about his one call.

6. Sorry about the expense report.   I assumed everything in the mini bar was a third of the price. 

7. Great news about the raise!  The salary bump will perfectly offset the new increase on the company soda machines. 

8. Thank you for the paperweight.  My office was getting a bit breezy.

9. The group would love to take you out to lunch today – your company card is still good, right?

10. It’s the IRS, Line three.  They have a few questions. 

Honor Thy Pharmacist: In Celebration of Obscure Holidays

By Julie Blair Riekse

It’s October and there’s so much to do: As the mother of young children, there are Halloween costumes to assemble, pumpkins to carve, gourd-and-leaf arrangements to place attractively around my suburban porch.

But that’s not all. No, I’ve got to make time to celebrate the technician in the white lab coat at Target who regularly cuts me a supply of Penicillin and ear drops. I was thinking of getting her a bouquet of fresh flowers. Perhaps I’ll also tuck some apple muffins into a basket for her.

After all, October is National American Pharmacist Month and I’m going to do my best to see that Phyllis feels honored.

While I’m at Target, I think I’ll check out the sales on Jif®.

November, you see, is National Peanut Butter Lover’s Month and I want to have both creamy and chunky formulas on hand.

But by December, I’ll turn the lights off in the kitchen and head up to my office as I’m dedicating all my energy to the most important celebration of the year: National Computer Learning Month.

Maybe if I finally immerse myself in my iMac’s® instruction manual, I’ll be able to print my own photo Christmas cards. Now that I think about it, accomplishing such a task would help me celebrate National Write a Friend Month—a Hallmark® Holiday that gets far too overshadowed by those crazy “recognized holidays”.

I may not be cooking in December, but I’ll sure as heck be doing a lot of stirring in January in honor of both National Soup Month and National Oatmeal Month.

In February, I’ll put down the ladle to make time to take my local Century 21® agent out for coffee as it’s National Get to Know an Independent Real Estate Broker Month. Or, maybe I’ll simply crack open a tin of sardines with her in celebration of National Canned Food Month.

March will come in like a lion—fine weather for fueling all the limericks I’ll be writing in National Poetry Month.

I’ll transform the prose into music in April for National Guitar Month. Then, I’ll run down to the mechanic’s union to belt out the hit in appreciation of National Welding Month.

Come to think of it, I really should take a picture of the crew. That way, I can fully enjoy National Photograph Month. (Also known as National Salad Month.)

My calendar is really full in June. There are several family birthdays, of course, but I’ll be ready to party with some turkey and milk. You see, the first official month of summer is also National Turkey Lovers Month and National Dairy Month. (And you thought it was November!)

It makes sense that July is both National Hot Dog Month and National Ice Cream Month (though is there really ever a wrong time to down a wiener and some Ben & Jerry’s?).

Come August, I might carve out a little time for the hubby. We’ll toast our eight blissful years of marriage with some municipal agua (it is National Water Quality Month) and admit we’re on a roll in honor of National Admit You’re Happy Month.

By September, I’ll be able to sit back and relax. I’ll have spent nearly a year working hard to acknowledge the efforts of those around me. I will have become a better person by doing so. That’s means I can fully appreciate National Self-Improvement Month.

Then, the leaves will begin to turn again. October is beautiful in Texas. That said, I’m sure I can think up something snitty to say about the blue skies and mild weather. After all, I’ll feel downright compelled: October is National Sarcastic Month.

Somehow, I don’t think I’ll have any trouble with that one.

Julie Blair Riekse is a Dallas-based freelance writer who loves to celebrate the everyday with her husband Jim and their three-year-old twins William and Elizabeth.


Brought to you by FunnyBio.com